The Pope and Pedophiles

It makes me extremely sad to share this issue of this newsletter with you. According to the The London Standard, the BBC featured a documentary, Pope Caught Orchestrating Church Pedophile Cover Up.

“The Pope played a leading role in a systematic cover-up of child sex abuse by Roman Catholic priests, according to a shocking documentary to be screened by the BBC…

“In 2001, while he was a cardinal, he issued a secret Vatican edict to Catholic bishops all over the world, instructing them to put the Church’s interests ahead of child safety.

“The document recommended that rather than reporting sexual abuse to the relevant legal authorities, bishops should encourage the victim, witnesses and perpetrator not to talk about it. And, to keep victims quiet, it threatened that if they repeat the allegations they would be excommunicated.”

Editors Comments

I am absolutely floored by this story which has appeared in many places, including Psychology Today.

As a practicing  psychotherapist, the law states that if I am aware of any abuse (Child or Adult) I must report it to the proper authorities. If I don’t report it, I will go to jail. There are at least four major parts of the game that the church is playing.

1.    The Church is above the law.

2.    The Church sanctions the hurting  of children

3.    The Church is more important than anything including families and children.

4.    The Church and the Pope lie.

I have a terribly hard job understanding all of this in part because a mentally challenged young man who I have known since he was about 5-years-old was charged as a pedophile served seven years on a six year sentence, and he did not commit the crime.

Therefore my conclusion has to be that if the Pope is a direct descendent of God that God must like to hurt families and children, be violent and lie. I have treated many victims of pedophiles, and no one can understand the deep, violent pain that they feel. The Church provides one of the greatest and painful cover-ups I have ever seen. And it hurts!

Survivors Network of those Abused By Priests

Find Snap at www.snapnetwork.org/ and you will find these comments.

“If you’ve been victimized by clergy please know that you are not alone. You can get better. You can reach out to others who’ve been hurt just like you have.

“We are SNAP, the Survivors  Network of those who have been Abused by Priests. We are the largest, oldest and most active support group for women and men wounded by religious authority figures. We are an independent and confidential organization with no connection with the Church or Church officials. We are also a non-profit certified 501 (c)3 organization.”

Briefing

According to the May Issue of the NASW News, a briefing was held calling for national standards on Child Abuse. Rep. David Camp said “Lawmakers need to investigate ways to improve the system that safe guards America’s children.

Tamara Tunie (actress on the series Law and Order) handed Camp a petition with 9,000 signatures urging congress to act on child maltreatment deaths.

The Director of NASW Elizabeth Clark stated, “We need skilled front line workers out there.”

I hope that this committee and congress will take on the painful abuse in the Church, too.

For the complete news story about the Catholic Church and molestation, click here

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While the Name Concerns Some, Political Terrorism Impacts Family!

Many readers continue to asked me, “Why the name Family Terrorism?” I have been doing Psychotherapy for over fifty years, have testified as an expert in court over 800 times and have seen terrorism both inside and outside the family. My purpose is not to simply address terrorism inside the family but to look at the terrorism outside the family, that impacts the members, as well. So, this online journal is to help families and therapists to better understand families, those they work with and the places on this earth where they live.

Politics

I am not really a political person. My second contact with politics was at Badger Boy’s State, a camp sponsored by the American Legion. My third contact with politics was much different way. I was appointed by two different Governors of Indiana to serve on the Board that licensed therapists back in the early 1990s. But my very first contact was with my father, winner of the French Medal of Honor in WWI and the most gentle man I have ever known. He was elected by the citizens of my hometown to the school board for 22 years without ever winning. I see him as leader of all leaders.

But we all have been in contact with politics for the most of our lives, it’s called TAXES – income tax, sales tax, and in Indiana the dreaded property tax.  It is my American Duty to pay taxes, but when the owner of a garage on our street was assessed to pay $25,000.00, it was a little out of hand.

I also get a little frustrated when our little community is not included in the Tax Cap, which was allotted to the rest of the state. But because of politics and mismanagement of our city government, our city was proclaimed “distressed” by the powers that be, and we have to continue paying at a higher level, while in this economy, our home value increased about $50,000.

I also wonder how my taxes are spent because many people are out of work. Some have to take a second or even a third mortgage on their homes. And I don’t feel that cities and states or the Federal Government are run, like the companies who make money. Unless you never watch the TV news, you know that Congress subsidizes oil companies who make a tremendous profit, ruin our natural landscape and are not held realistically accountable in the Gulf of Mexico?

Let’s add one more issue. If a husband in a family has an affair, it is not only immoral,  but it is usually destructive to the kids. There may be a divorce, involving an often dishonest legal system, which pits the parents against each other, which hurts the kids even more. Meanwhile, our politicians have numerous affairs paid for by tax funds, as illustrated by the former Governor of the great state of California.

So I have a wonderful idea, fitting in with the book, The House. I would suggest that every politician sit for a lie detector test every six months, and the results be released to all the media. I know that lie detector tests are not permitted as evidence in a court of law, but we are the American People. No longer can we financially or morally afford the many dishonest politicians who line their own pockets with lobbyists’ money and insider information, while veterans from Iraq and Vietnam are homeless and receive inadequate health care.

Getting Information

Where do members of Congress get their information and motivation for their votes?  From lobbyists, of course. In the March 2011 in NASW NEWS, Asua Ofosu, Manager of Government Relations for NASW (National Association of Social Work), wants to position NASW to be the legislative voice for the entire Social Work profession.

The legislation she pushes includes passage of Social Work safety legislation, funding for Social Work research, and legislation pertaining to civil rights, health and behavioral health, veterans and children and families.

Look at this very carefully, who is going to benefit from this legislation? One of the only eleemosynary groups in the country. I hope this group does not really plan to be dependent on government funding!

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More Than Just A Flag

According to The American Legion, “Since 2006 when a single vote in the Senate defeated a motion that would give Congress the power to prohibit physical desecration of the American Flag, supporters have had little to celebrate…

Also reported in The American Legion, on January 7, 2011, U.S. Rep Jo Emerson introduced Joint Resolution 13, which simply reads, “The Congress shall have the power to prohibit the physical desecration of the Flag of the United States.”

When asked why she sponsored the legislation she replied, “When I was 17 years old my senior class took a trip behind the Iron Curtain. It was an eye opening experience.  (When there) My friends and I had never been in an environment where we had to watch what we said. It was a grey environment, no lights on, people in long lines for bread. When we got back to the United States and we saw the flag, flying into Dulles, it was a sight to be behold.  It wasn’t, until then I knew how fortunate I was to live in this country.”  

 Editor’s Note

When I read these two stories both printed in the June 2011 issue of The American Legion, it hit me what one person can accomplish. It took only one vote to prevent the protection of our Flag, and only one person to try during every congressional session to protect it.

Memorial Day is almost here, and July 4^th is around the corner. I am aware at this particular time of how many individual men and women have died or been maimed, so that we can have a day off and our barbecues, beer and shoot off fireworks.

Potpourri

Pastor Made Grave Errors
According to Dr. Robert Wallace (rwallace@galesburg.net) in his column Tween 12 and 20, wearing jeans to church is ok if it is the best that you have to wear.  Dr. Wallace shared a letter from the mother of three tweens, “Several years ago when the boys were 12, 13 and 16, we, as a family, were involved in our church and looked forward to attending…Since money was very scarce, my boys could not afford…dress pants. One Sunday, I was ill and the boys had to attend church by themselves. The pastor of a certain Protestant church…met them at the door and told them to return home because ‘jeans are not allowed in this church.’…That was the last time my boys have ever seen the inside of any church. They were totally embarrassed in front of the congregation…”

Alcohol
Alcohol has been a problem for many individuals and families. However the National Institute on Drug Abuse (www.drugabuse.gov) has helped Drs Hawkins and Catalano to develop a training program for kids called Mat Talk.

With the same intention the World Health Organization (www.who.int/substancs-abuse) in Switzerland is developing a very comprehensive alcohol prevention program. Get the complete program at their web site.

 I am also aware the prisons in Indiana have developed a mandatory Alcohol Prevention program for their inmates.

Credit Cards
I hope that you are aware of the Credit Card Act of 2009, which forces credit cards to list what their services are really costing. For example one credit card that charges 23.4% interest and has a balance of $6,300.00 will be paid off in 25 years if you just pay the minimum monthly credit charge. The total payment for those 25 years will be $25,474.00.

On the other hand, if you pay more than the minimum it could be paid off in 3 years. This is a savings of $16,814.00. Banks finally have to come clean with at least part of their act. For details on the law – http://www.creditcards.com/credit-card-news/help/what-the-new-credit-card-rules-mean-6000.php   More about banks later.  

No Rights
According to the Indiana Supreme Court, “people have no right to resist, if police officers illegally enter their home.” (Post-Tribune) This is a decision that overturns centuries of Common Law.

The court issued its 3-2 ruling recently contending that allowing residents to resist officers who enter their homes without any right would increase the risk of violent confrontation.  I am sure that Indiana residents are going to complain to the Supreme Court of the United States.  On May 22, 2011 the Post-Tribune reported that the Indiana Attorney General Greg Zoeller supports asking the Indiana Court to revisit its decision.

Thirteen-Year-Old

On the same page of the Post Tribune was a story about a somber vigil for a thirteen-year-old boy who had been kept in a cage, starved and beaten, killed and buried under a cement slab in a shed. When looking for a murderer, detectives always look to the family members first. The father and stepmother are in custody and charged.

 Sandwiches

School officials in Harrisburg, PA, say that the students at a school are getting sandwiches for lunch for failing to appreciate the hot meals that the school district provides.

Whoops! Is this how schools really educate our children? I can see some Charter Schools popping up all over Pennsylvania in the near future.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn
Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s reputation with women earned him the nickname “the great seducer,” and not even an affair with a subordinate could knock the International monetary fund leader off a political path to the French presidency. All that changed with charges that he sexually assaulted a maid in his hotel room, a case which generated shock and revulsion, especially in his home country. (United Press)

Cancer News?

Call it a well kept secret, but according to the American Medical Association, a healthy diet, more exercise and less alcohol can lead to “significant reductions in particularly common cancers.” (Don’t tell those pharmaceutical companies!)

According to Health Day researchers may be one step closer to a cancer detecting breath test. Dr Lesley Walker, Director of Cancer Information at Cancer Research UK estimates, however, it will take several more years of research to determine if the test could be used for diagnosis.

Please have a safe Memorial Day Weekend!

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Computers: Friend and/or Foe

Computers are marvelous machines. With them you can do almost anything–like research the web, write to your friends, video visit with family members half a world away, social network, or send real greeting cards, complete with a stamp (That’s a plug for my wife’s Internet business – http://GlobalCardShop.com  )

Anyway, we also use computers to build bridges, fly airplanes, check out automotive problems and do very complicated medical research. (Individuals are now more informed when they go to see their doctors, and believe me that is a good thing, especially if there is a doctor-patient disconnect.)

It is also possible to send data via computers, exchange data between computers and smart phones, and do delicate surgery with computer-driven robots. There are even robots assembling cars, army tanks, and just about any product.

The Defense Department even trains soldiers, using computers, and at one time, as reported by West Point, desensitized young soldiers, making them better fighting machines.

Everybody knows that there are humongous computers where all the information is eventually stored, desktop computer, and laptop computers. Not everyone, however, knows that Tandy developed the first marketable, black and white desktop, and IBM developed the computer that most PCs are modeled after.

But now there is another computer on the scene that is loved by many. It’s a status symbol among Mac owners, who love Apple, the maker of the first smart phones, the IPhones and IPads.

Computers have come a long way in their development from the Tandy desktops with real floppy disks (5.25 inches square and used in the 1980s and 1990s) to over 16 gigabytes (GB) of system memory, from black and white to HD, 3D color, from large to handheld. After two years your computer needs seem to outgrow the computer in your lap. It’s obsolete. In reality, it’s probably obsolete by the time you buy it.

 BUT

Computers can also be dangerous. My wife and I just took a computer class and learned a lot of nice things,  but there are dangerous things, which we did not learn in class, too.

While you can do research, you can also find gobs of pornography, which infect not only your mind but your children as well. It is hard to imagine the tremendous variety of pornography. If you can imagine it, it is there waiting to the end of a “click.”

Sometimes, I think I need Parental Controls set, because it’s too easy to stumble onto something contagious. My wife calls it “unsafe Internet use.” (While writing this, Kaspersky prevented some foreign site from hacking into my computer with a Trojan worm, and I’m using my wife’s computer.)

Once attacked, your computer goes crazy, it beeps,  groans, plays screeching music, moans and basically, stops working. Thank you, bugs, worms, Trojans, etc. Your friendship with your computer has taken a dive. It doesn’t like you anymore, and you need computer medical help to get it to work again. That is expensive, maybe more expensive that your computer cost in the first place.

But you can also play scrabble with your friends, listen to your favorite music, and conduct business in a matter of seconds. (The hard copy is on the way!) You have to be very careful with who and what you are playing. Knowing the person who sent you an attachment is no longer a safety guarantee, because they may have been hacked.

Traveling the Internet, solves many homework problems.  But pick up your term paper on-line, and you’ll get busted by every professor I know.

Most schools, even elementary schools, post assignments and attendance on their sites. Skip school and you’re parents will bust you. Parents are more Internet savey than they used to be. Today your parents and teachers often communicate via email. Grades are posted on line. One school forgoes parent/teacher conferences, in lieu of emails (bad idea). Ain’t that something! What a disconnect!

But I have the most trouble with the computer, because it sometimes runs me instead of me running it.

My wife Pattie and I were the oldest students in our computer class, although she is far more hip than I am. Sometimes when I asked a question, the class would laugh, but it was non-toxic. They felt that my problem was generational, and they are probably right, because my little granddaughter is far more adept than I am. We even had a test on how to buy the right computer for your needs—RAM, ROM, displays, storage, servers, etc.

While I may not be hip, I want families and kids to be safe. You see in my psychotherapy office, I see many family computer caused problems. And sometimes these computer problems cause vicious fights between husbands and wives, parents and children, brothers and sisters.

The biggest danger I find from the use of computers is that disconnect to our humanity. We substitute true friendship and face-to-face contact or phone calls, with Facebook “friends.” After all we’re sooooo busy. Face it, if the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night is check your page, you have a problem…not to mention that electronics, including computers, cell phones, televisions, electronic games, even batteries in a flash light, throw off your personal electronics. According to Dr. Stephen Sinatra, an internationally known cardiologist, the body’s energy imbalance, caused by many things, can harm your heart, brain function, and physical homesostasis.

A professor at Purdue told me how his students would go out to dinner with him when traveling to competitions and sit at the same table and text each other. At first he thought they were texting people back home, but when he asked who they were talking to, they told him each other. They preferred texting to talking. Of course, they probably were talking about him anyway. Regardless, computers provide an addictive disconnect to humanity, when substituted for people contact. Sermon over.

This happens in families, too. Sermon really over!

 FYI! When you sign up to receive this journal (The Forms on the Left just above the house in a life preserver!), you will receive a report, Understanding Child Violence. At the end of that paper in the Appendix, you’ll find some safety tips about Internet use for kids.

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SHUT UP

It was a beautiful Sunday morning. The sun was bright, the birds were singing, and the sky was blue as blue could be.

 Rev. Jones was preaching about how the parents should teach their children about love as it is demonstrated in the Bible and about how much Jesus loves us.

 All of a sudden a not so soft voice of a three-year-old, sitting with his mother in the front row shouted, “SHUT UP, DADDY.” The members of the congregation who had been listening intently to the sermon twittered and giggled at the child’s remark. But Brother Jones just got angry!

 Sunday dinner at the Jones residence was not very happy. After the prayer for the meal no one seemed hungry. Rev. Jones lectured his daughter and finally in intermittent rage hit his daughter, supposedly on the bottom, but she turned quickly and instead of hitting her on the bottom he slapped her face leaving a scarlet red mark. But he didn’t care because he was so angry.

The next morning the mark was still there, and the teacher at the child’s day care reported the red mark to the local Child Protective Services Division. This reporting is necessary by law.

 So that evening a caseworker from the Child Protective Services Division showed up at the Joneses wondering what had happened. By this time, Rev. Jones was furious. He knew he was a good father, and as a man he was the head of his house, as Christ is the head of the church. But the visiting caseworker reminded Rev. Jones what happened to Christ; he was crucified and killed.

 But the problem didn’t end there, because on the following Sunday his daughter hit daddy in front of the congregation, calling him mean because the caseworker had said only mean parents hit their children.

 Later that day the worker came again and this time threatened to take the child and put her into a foster home. Rev. Jones was by now real angry again, stating that he was the head of his own house, but off to a foster home the child went.

By now the Rev. Jones was furious. He hired an attorney for the purpose of suing the state, but his Attorney calmly told the Rev. Jones that Schools, therapists and all others who work with children have to report any suspicion of abuse to the Child Protective Services.

Rev. Jones finally realized that he had a REAL problem. It wasn’t his daughter who had the problem; this was HIS problem. He couldn’t hide behind the Bible anymore. After all, he must be a responsible, religious leader. So Rev. Jones went to talk with his bishop.

 Funny thing, his bishop told him the same thing his attorney had told him. Now he felt very much alone and even his wife would not support him. She was angry because her beloved child was in a foster home. A Rev. Jones’s wife did not know where her little daughter was or even if her baby was safe. So Mrs. Jones lectured her pastor husband who grew angrier and angrier. There were threats back and forth between the two of them…even threats of divorce.

 Two months later, following all of this commotion and disruption in the Jones family, there was a court hearing, during which the Judge lectured Rev. Jones. The Judge told him that this kind of abuse must never happen again, and their daughter would be returned to them, once the Rev. and Mrs. Jones completed the six parenting classes, held at a church supported agency that held classes for abusive parents.

 It is hard to describe how Rev and Mrs. Jones felt, but it is even harder to describe how their three-year-old child felt.

But there is a riddle in this story. Who is the terrorist(s) in this case? Is it Rev. Jones? Is it his wife? Is it their child? Is it the day care facility? Is it Child Protective Services? Is it the legislators who passed the law?  Is it the church Bishop? Or, is it someone else, like members of his congregation? Please figure it out because I see this kind of thing every day in my therapy practice.

I have had the responsibility of testifying as an “expert” in court over 800 times in cases like this and that responsibility is very humbling. I was trained to make these kinds of “expert” decisions. It is comparatively easy to make clinical decisions. But it is much more difficult to help families cope with the kind of pain that they are feeling.

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And war is very Personal!

My father was in the war (WWI) and won many medals. I lost four cousins in the war (WWII), one of them at Pearl Harbor. I was named after a cousin threw himself on a grenade to save members of his platoon. Therefore, it was expected that I join the military even though my mother and grandmother wanted me to skip the war and become a Lutheran minister.

Terrorism is defined as “the systematic use of terror especially as a means of coercion.” War fits that definition. War, since the beginning of time, has been a fact of life.

The very thought of war makes men and women tremble with fear and sometimes with power. I remember the Gold Star flags during the war to end all wars. They were hung in the windows to mourn the fact that a son or a father from that family had given a life to save the country. I didn’t completely understand the meaning of those flags then, but I do now.

Wars are really not battles between  countries, they really are battles against groups of peoples, animals, trees, water and the country side. War ruins things and people and causes the death of everything in its path. Check with the Military Channel on TV and watch the destruction, the humiliation and the pain. Then imagine the mass graves and the unnecessary killing of civilians.

In an article by Jerry Davich in the Post Tribune (11/24/10), he writes about John Masson, a Lake Station, IN native who lost an arm and both legs in Afghanistan. But the key phrase in that article is said by Masson, “I still feel that I have a lot to offer.”

Count the white crosses in France, at Normandy and in Poland that stand above the American GIs who gave their lives for freedom. But the freedom never came because we are still fighting an undefined, unclear  War on Terrorism.

This is a strange new war against a nebulous enemy that you cannot see or define, but it is one who you can feel. You know that he is there, but you can only react to his acts of terrorism. And we react by having metal detectors in schools and full body screening at air ports.

If war is hell, then do we constantly live in hell? We have gang wars on our streets that kill innocent people including children.

We have wars in our churches where conservatives fight against liberals. I remember back in the 1970s, divorces, involving the pastors and their wives, in the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. These occurred when one was liberal and the other conservative, and it often turned into a congregational war.

Now we are having the same kind of war in politics where one is liberal and the other conservative, but now there is the added race card. Turn back 150 years to recall Abraham Lincoln who freed the slaves following the Civil War. Yes, war is hell.

But as a therapist I see many family and Marital Wars that most citizens only imagine. When one individual in a family has to be right all the time, there is terrorism and that is a war. Parents abuse their children and abuse each other.

A wife disabled because of spousal abuse is just as abused as a disfigured soldier lying in bed, hoping to recover from his wounds.

Our country fought an undeclared war in Vietnam but did not recognize our returning Veterans with thanks. Almost exactly eleven years later, to the day, they began day they began having flash backs, night terrors, and began to get sick both emotionally and physically.

In our therapeutic wisdom these symptoms were called Delayed Stress Syndrome. I remember sitting on the steps to my office crying with one of those veterans who didn’t understand where all his pain was coming from. I also remember running my hands over some of the names of those Vietnam Veterans who had given their lives in a country they probably didn’t care even existed until they were drafted, boot camped, and then transported on the airplane ready to get shot at.

But from that war and its pain, those authors of the DSM, the book that psychotherapists use in the Managed Care Battlefield, came up with a new diagnosis Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Today, psychotherapists use that PTSD diagnosis in many new ways. Children who are abused, even those abused by the clergy suffer from PTSD.

Children and adults who have suffered through Cancer are diagnosed with PTSD.

Individuals who have been maligned by an accident suffer from PTSD. I remember a picture of one of my clients with both arms in a cast. She suffered a life-changing event in the split instant of a car accident that was not her fault.

I thought long and hard about this issue  of Family Terrorism and decided that  all individuals are aware of the suffering from PTSD, involving either themselves or a close  family member.

Turn on the Military Channel or watch the terror of shootings on the street of Chicago or Gary with the bullets flying by. Or turn on a Video Game and view the terror there in 3-D, living splatter and even interact with it and become the terrorist yourself. Or pretend to be the individual in your marriage who has to be right all the time and feel good, until your spouse divorces you, and you have no alternative but to live on the streets or under the bridges with the Vietnam Veterans.

Yes, war is really hell,  but we constantly live in that hell. The battlefields are just different, although the fear is real. Those of us who are therapists have to face that terror. I have taken guns away from two police officers, before I would do therapy with them. Please comment and share your experiences with us.

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Brief Brain Anatomy and Behavior of Family Terrorism-101

We all have two Brains. No, I’m not saying you have two heads either. But your brain is divided into the left and right hemispheres. The right hemisphere is known for its resourcefulness and the left for its logic.

The two hemispheres are connected by the Corpus Callosum, which looks like an over turned canoe. It is the largest fiber bundle in the brain.

While the left hemisphere can solve problems in a sequential way, the right hemisphere solves problems in more of a creative way. The Corpus Callosum is intended to connect the two hemispheres into a homeostatic functioning brain.

In usual individuals (I do not like the word normal), emotions are fed to the brain through the Limbic System, the part of the brain which is concerned with an individual’s behavioral responses to any kind of emotional stimulus.

There are many fancy names for parts of the limbic system like Cingulate, Parahippocampal Gyri and Amygdala. In the usual individual, the Limbic System and the Total Brain work together to help the body blend together in harmonic homeostasis.

But why do I present this brief anatomy lesson? Well, any action on the brain or limbic system can throw the entire body into a tizzy. Examples include;

• An injury directly to the brain.
• Radiation of the brain during treatment for cancer.
• War.
• An untoward behavioral pattern learned as a child.
• Abuse of any kind.
• A chronic illness or disease.
• Bullying.
• Divorce.
• Remarriage.
• A visit to the doctor.
• Rejection for employment.
• Non-employment.
• A sudden fearful experience.
• Panic attacks.
• Parents.
• Kids.
• Addictions.
• And many, many other interactions.

When we think about the word terrorism, we usually think about foreigners threatening Americans with an Uzi or MP-40 or IEds. Our minds take most of us to the planes crashing into the Twin Towers.

But terrorism is really a personal response to what is happening around or within us.

So a great variety of things can cause Family Terrorism because it depends on how each individual and each family is wired.

Please think again about Individual Behavior Pattern Theory.

Each individual is different than any other individual. As we physically mature, we learn (yes, most of our behavior patterns are learned), and we develop defense mechanisms to ward off problematic or untoward stressors.

Parents are giants to toddlers, who often want to rebel. Academia agrees that behavior patterns are firmly set at least by age eight or earlier.

Think of the vulnerability of the orphans who grow up in the streets of South America, Africa, the Middle East, India, or Asia.

As we continue to grow, we hold on to these behavior patterns, which were used to defend ourselves, with all our might and are very fearful of any change.

We are very fearful because we do not know what is on the other side of our behavior patterns.

When we marry we find someone who is compatible with our fears.

Some of our behavior patterns work well and some don’t.

In a family where there is abuse, we learn to abuse. In a family where there is love and tenderness, we learn love and tenderness.

But some individuals in the same family are different and respond differently to terrorism. It mostly depends on their Limbic System and their Corpus Calosum.

So a visit to the doctor may be terrorism for one individual and fun for another, even in the same family with the same genetics and similar experiences. Or an airplane trip might be fun for one and terrorism for another. Same for a flu shot–might be easy for one sibling, while another one faints.

Even to the general terrorisms, like War, Death, Starvation, Chronic Disease, Tornados, Earth Quakes, Divorce, Shootings, Abuse, Lack of Money, Lack of Food and Remarriage…

….we all act or react differently.

Is this because of learning or is it because of our physical makeup? It is because of both. Our brains are connected to our bodies; thus, personal terrorism effects our functioning in every way.

You may want to check your own brain systems to find out what terrorizes you, or whom  do you terrorize?

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Families face TERRORISM in every part of their individual and corporate lives. We usually think of abuse, but TERRORISM can come from within or from without the family. From without includes schools, legal beagles, courts, churches, foreclosures, government, stores, friends, banks, welfare departments, therapists, health care, insurance companies, managed, care, police, funeral homes, politics etc.

By understanding family TERRORISM we can begin to understand the stresses that families face and develop strategies to help in positive ways. Thus this journal is not negative, but it is intended to help you and me, Richard Bennett, to help families in a positive way, even though it may take some real guts at times.

TERRORISM is in the news every day. It is sometimes without form or comes without warning. It can happen at any place, at any time. It is an elusive enemy and very uncomfortable when we feel it. It can be very subtle or come with a bang. It is part of our present culture and is something we all need to face.

How we face it depends on the patterns of behavior that we have individually and corporately. How we face it also depends on community involvement. Actually, in a funny way facing it sometimes means getting help from the Terrorists themselves.

When a child is born, he or she develops a series of defense patterns. Many of these defense patterns are not healthy, but some are. As we grow, we hold onto these defense patterns with all our might because it is what we know to be true.

When we marry, we find a spouse who is compatible with our defense patterns. After a while, we decide that our defense patterns are not compatible, and we file for divorce. Many states have given up having grounds for divorce. Indiana is one of them, but in some attorneys teach us to fight so they can support their own families monetarily. They consciously add to our fight mode, and we fight more so they can make more money.

As I think about that, it makes no sense. It only increases our pain, our debt, our fears, and we feel terrorized, out of control, isolated, lonely and certainly not happy. So we drink too much, sex around too much, get into a negative support group for divorced people, and marry the first person that seems to be interested in us.

Whoops, we really don’t know that person, and again our defense patterns don’t really match. Add the problems that surround child visitation, and you have great problems in the new StepFamily.

The patterns that I have been discussing are based on Individual Behavior Pattern Theory. Individual Behavior Pattern Theory describes how we behave and where that behavior comes from. Eric Berne wrote a book entitled, The Games People Play. His games involved groups of people and centered on Game Theory. Individual Behavior Patterns Theory is different in that all individuals develop defensive behavior when we are young and hold onto those defense patterns until we die.

All defense patterns are individual just like every snow flake is different. Therefore trying to group individuals into categories like the DSM(psychiatrists’ Bible) can be TERRORISM. When we are diagnosed as part of a category, we lose our individuality. For example, when I feel depressed, I am depressed, and it I may or may not fit into the depressed criteria of DSM depression.

Individual defense patterns can be healthy or not. A healthy pattern involves things like trust, sharing, a willingness to listen and the acceptance of the other person in the marriage.

In contrast, an unhealthy pattern involves just the opposite and a desire to be in control of everything, anger, distrust, fear and the desire to abuse.

Individual Patterns Behavior are learned behavior and are not genetic. Our bodies are genetic, but our behavior is learned.

Sometimes parents sit down and tell kids how to function. This happened to me, with both my dad (a medal winner in WWI) and my grandfather, but many times the learning was more subtle, like my mother who took me to the MD before my sneeze ended.

As mentioned before we seek out individuals who have compatible Individual defense patterns, which match with ours. That is love.

On the other hand some marriage patterns are not love but a desire to change the other individual. For example, the female who, even from the beginning of the marriage believes she can change her husband’s drinking, or the Catholic who marries in the church which demands that the children be brought up Catholic, when the spouse is a non-Catholic.

But there is another issue involved in our computerized society. This is the various dating services over the Internet. We can talk to and even see the person with whom we are talking, but how do we learn about their behavior patterns?

Many individuals who are looking for love on the Internet are looking for step-mates who can cover up the hurt and sadness caused by the divorce or death of a previous loved one. Since most Stepfamilies have problems anyway, Internet dating can only exacerbate those problems. We seem to be living in a very lonely society.

I sometimes call this TERRORISM on the Internet.

On the outside and sometimes in a marriage, we have those individuals who would steal our kids, hurt them or kill them or us. A favorite trick of some Terrorists is to throw a garbage bag over another car’s windshield in a parking lot. As the driver gets out, the Terrorist grabs the car and the child and drives away. It happens in all states and not only in large cities.

TERRORISM hurts. Don’t let it hurt you.

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Terrorism is a nasty word. We all have heard about it, and most seem believe that is originates in another country, comes from the outside and does not affect us unless the Twin Towers crash down, a town is evacuated,  or a train is wrecked.

But terrorism is much more subtle. Look closely and see how families are terrorized by;

• attorneys,
• credit card companies,
• employers,
• other family members,
• therapist,
• the DSM(Diagnostic Statistical Manual),
• insurance companies,
• managed care organizations,
• health care providers,
• churches,
• pharmaceutical companies,
• grocery stores,
• medical doctors,
• food processors, 
• schools (from pre-schools to higher education),
• fast food and restaurants,
• landlords,
• government,
• the welfare system
• and many other examples, including our justice system.

We’ve become so acclimated to the process that we as family members, individuals, and communities, are terrorized…usually without our knowledge or awareness…just an unsettling feeling.

There are many examples. Here are some;

• a cancer victim who did not commit the crime for which he was plea bargained by his defense attorney who didn’t have his best interest at heart.
• a lady who had her children taken away from her because her angry ex-husband manipulated the judicial system and the guardian ad litem, while the social worker who saw the children lied to the court under oath.
• the dozens of children that I have seen in therapy, after they have been molested by their priests, teachers, siblings or their own fathers, or the teacher who molests or lies about children in her class, or
• the school system who tested a child with the WISC getting an IQ result of 20, when his real IQ was off the charts, and when placed in a different school, he got all As and has been student of the month at least four times in the past two years.

Terrorism is a part of a system in which social workers try to function and very often strengthen the terroristic system by trying to do good when in fact they have to follow Managed Care directives and DSM rules just to get paid. Most of the time helping professionals think we know what the client needs (example the American Association of Christian Counselors) instead of “starting where the client really is.”

Social Workers, marriage and family therapists, and psychologists are working in a Society of Greed; ie, insurance companies, managed care companies, governmental agencies, as well as schools and some social service agencies.  Without the appropriate knowledge, we cannot handle or cope with that greed.

I have testified as an expert in court over 750 times. In Law School attorneys are taught to get litigants to fight (even in mediation cases) because that is their professional business culture. Helping professionals, without even knowing it, are coerced and sometimes duped into supporting that fighting without even knowing about it.

There are national discussions about how to keep helping professionals, social workers, marriage and family counselors, mental health professionals, as well as paramedic/firemen and law enforcement officers safe on the job. Here is a place for us to learn about subtle terrorism and help keep our clients safe, too.

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